my phone needs a breathalizer
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
