So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
