Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
