Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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