Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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