If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
This baby is an asshole
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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