Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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