Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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