I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
