true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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