He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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