I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
