just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
