you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
