OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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