remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
