margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
