forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
