So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
