It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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