This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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