My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
