Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
