If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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