: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
