dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
