Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
