my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
