I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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