I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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