I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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