Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
