Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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