Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
