Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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