Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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