As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
