Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
