No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
