I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
