White coat. Heels.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
