So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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