I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
