Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
