So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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