he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
