The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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