Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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