my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
