Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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