Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
